When Leadership Isn’t Optional

People started calling me a leader long before I ever saw myself that way. There’s a lot of pressure that comes with that word, and nobody really warns you about it.

Opting Out Wasn’t an Option

Growing up, my family was always super involved in church, so it’s probably no surprise I somehow ended up as a ‘leader’ in our youth group. I still remember this one Sunday night after church—everyone just standing around, trying to figure out what to do next. We’d already spent at least half an hour talking in circles, and I could tell we’d be there another thirty minutes before anyone made a decision. This wasn’t even an official youth group thing. We just always hung out after church. For whatever reason, I just wasn’t feeling it that night.

So I said I was just going to head home. That’s when one of the other kids looked right at me, in front of everyone, and said I was a leader in the group and people looked up to me, so I needed to stick around. I remember feeling this pressure I’d never felt before. I can still picture exactly who said it, where we were standing, all of it. And this was almost thirty years ago.

Honestly, I was shocked. I didn’t see myself as a ‘leader.’ I was just another kid, barely old enough to drive. Why was everyone looking at me to set the example? And even if I was some kind of leader, did I really have to be on all the time? That seemed like a lot to ask.

Looking back, that wasn’t even the first time I’d been put in that spot. Funny how you don’t notice it until someone points it out.

It was just the first time anyone had actually said it out loud.

That moment wasn’t isolated — it was a pattern.

When Leadership Gets Renamed

That early lesson set the stage for how I experienced leadership in other parts of my life.

Growing up as a girl, I got called ‘bossy’ a lot. The boys? They were ‘confident’ and ‘decisive.’ But if nobody else would make a plan and I stepped up, suddenly I was the bossy one. Go figure.

It took me years to realize nothing about my behavior was the problem — only the label.

Those labels lingered, but so did my drive to step up.

Being called ‘bossy’ didn’t stop me from leading.

All it really taught me was that being a leader meant people would judge you. And if I ever stepped back, people would notice. No pressure, right?

Some people get called ‘leaders’ not because they want the job or go looking for it, but just because they naturally act like one. Sometimes you don’t even realize you’re doing it.

But there’s a cost to being a ‘natural leader’ that nobody really talks about.

When Leadership Capability Becomes Expectation

When you’re seen as capable, people start to assume you’ll always step in. Not because they’re trying to take advantage of you, but because you’ve proven you can handle it.

So they stop asking if you’re available. They stop checking how you’re doing. They just assume you’ll show up.

You become the default. The steady one. The person who figures it out when things get messy.

And over time, that expectation grows quietly. You’re expected to lead the meeting, smooth the tension, make the decision, keep things moving. If you hesitate or step back, it’s noticed immediately.

After a while, being capable starts to feel less like a strength and more like a responsibility you never actually signed up for.

The hardest part? People rarely see the effort behind it. They just see that things work. And when things work, nobody really stops to ask what it’s costing the person holding it all together.

Burnout Isn’t a Surprise

Burnout didn’t hit me all at once.

It crept in slowly, disguised as responsibility and commitment.

I kept telling myself I was just doing what leaders do. Being tired was just part of the job. If I cared enough, I’d keep showing up, no matter what.

But always being ‘the one’ wears you down. There’s no room to be anything else. No space to rest. No permission to have an off day.

People assume leaders are resilient by default. That we don’t need the same support everyone else does. That we’ll speak up if it’s too much.

The truth is, many leaders don’t speak up because they don’t want to let anyone down. They keep going until exhaustion forces the issue.

So no — burnout isn’t a failure of leadership. It’s often the result of leadership without boundaries.

And once I understood that, I knew something had to change.

What Time (and Burnout) Taught Me

I’ve definitely hit burnout as a leader. More than once, actually. But over the years, I’ve picked up some important things.

Leadership doesn’t mean you have to be available 24/7.

I still remember being in my 20s, managing a retail store in the mall, and telling people that since I was the manager, it was my job to always be available. Boy, was I tired all the time!

But over time, I learned that being always ‘on’ just leads straight to burnout. Now I set boundaries and make myself available only for real emergencies.

I’ve learned to lead leaders, not just followers.

Yes, I tend to be the lead leader. But when I surround myself with other leaders and actually coach and train them, I can take a step back when I need to. I have people I trust to lead when I’m not there. I don’t have to handle it all myself.

Learning to delegate and support other leaders has been crucial to my growth.

Still a Leader, Just Wiser

Honestly, I’ve learned to love being a leader. I really am naturally ‘bossy’ and the kind of person who takes charge, so I’ve just learned to own it.

I still lead. I just do it more intentionally now, with boundaries instead of guilt. And honestly, it feels a whole lot better.