I Wasn’t Being Sweet. I Was Being a Leader

The Comment That Stopped Me Cold

The first time someone called me ‘sweet’ just because I checked in on them at work, I realized the bar for leadership is basically on the floor. Honestly, I think that might have been the first time anyone has ever called me sweet—at work or anywhere else.

I was just doing my usual 1:1s with my team when something caught me off guard. During our check-in, I asked one of my (male) team members about something I knew had been weighing on him outside of work. Maybe it was a sick parent, or maybe he’d been dealing with his own health stuff, I don’t recall for sure. He gave me an update, and then he completely surprised me.

Apparently, basic human check-ins qualify as ‘sweet’ now. I think that’s the word he used, but honestly, I was so surprised I can’t remember for sure. It just about knocked me out of my chair.

Wait…sweet?

That moment stuck with me, because it wasn’t about him. It was about what we’ve come to expect from managers.

Would They Have Said That to a Man?

I’ll admit, my feminist hackles went straight up. My first thought was, would he have said that to a male boss?

This is something I’ve run into my whole life. Men get called ‘strong leaders’ for the exact same things that get women labeled as ’emotional.’ Or, apparently, ‘sweet.’

When a woman cares, it’s a personality trait or a stereotype. But when a man does it? Suddenly, he’s just a good leader who cares about his team.

Since When Is Basic Humanity a Leadership Surprise?

Once feminist alarm bells stopped ringing—he’s a good guy, and I know he didn’t mean anything by it, which maybe makes it even more frustrating—my next thought was, why is it so surprising to him that his boss actually cares about how he’s doing?

Is it really that rare for people to feel genuinely cared about at work?

This wasn’t some big, dramatic gesture. I was just following up on something he’d mentioned before, making sure he was okay.

But apparently, just showing the bare minimum of care came across like a huge deal.

Sweet Isn’t a Strategy (But Care Kind of Is)

I wasn’t asking him—or anyone else on my team—about what’s going on in their lives because I want them to like me. I wasn’t doing it to make myself look extra special or anything like that.

I ask because that’s what leadership is. It’s about relationships.

Teams aren’t machines. They’re people with lives that don’t stop at 9 am—lives that affect how they show up every day.

People do their best work when they feel safe and seen.

It might sound like I’m trying to manipulate people, but I’m not. This is just how it works.

The Part of Management They Don’t Put in the Job Description

Job descriptions love to throw around words like ‘leadership’ and ‘ownership,’ but no one ever tells you what that actually looks like.

It doesn’t mean micromanaging or squeezing results out of your team.

It’s noticing when someone’s having a hard time. It’s treating people like, well, people.

That is the job.  That is leadership.

It’s not just about workflows and metrics. It’s about being steady and building trust.

Care Is Not Extra Credit

Caring isn’t just a nice bonus for a leader. It’s the foundation.

It affects:

• retention
• performance
• psychological safety
• loyalty

Soft skills aren’t just for the people who talk to customers. They matter at every level.

The soft stuff? That’s the real infrastructure.

The Callous-Sounding Truth That’s Still True

I care about my team because I’m human. But, if I’m being honest, I also care because I want them to do good work. Sometimes that feels a little gross to admit, but it’s true.

That doesn’t cheapen it or diminish the fact that I genuinely care.

That’s literally how trust works.

Leadership isn’t about being detached. It’s about being invested.

Maybe We Should Stop Calling Women Leaders “Sweet”

Sweet is what you call a cupcake, not a leader. Care is competence.

Being caring—and being a woman—doesn’t make me sweet. It just means I’m doing my job as a leader.

A leader is someone who shows up for people every time. That means caring about them as people, not just as names on a team list.

Caring about your team isn’t extra. It’s what makes you a competent leader.

I Wasn’t Being Sweet. I Was Doing My Job

Real leadership is quiet. It’s steady. It’s human.

Your team shouldn’t be shocked when you’re kind and caring.

The standard should be a leader who actually notices and cares.

Raise the Standard

Caring isn’t about being soft or womanly.

It’s seriousness.  It’s what makes teams work.

I wasn’t being sweet. I was being a leader.
And honestly, we should expect more of that from everyone.

If checking in on your team feels remarkable, the problem isn’t with the person doing it.
The problem is how rare we’ve let it become.